Feeling Life Happen...

I cannot seem to avoid certain things in my life, although I have changed many, and re-invented a great deal, have found inner peace, and then some... There is always that curse! The curse, of years ago, the curse of generations before me, a plague that has followed me my whole adult life.We want what we can't have, and have what we don't want. I cannot put it any other way. And so I open my journal to a glimpse of my mind's eye, and can't help but think, Why me?!I am "gifted" in many ways, and excell in all that is put infront of me, so why is it that I cannot attain, the very thing that is supposed to come to me by nature? I cannot accomplish the verything that I help other's with, the very thing that keeps me human still, the very thing that grows inside me day by day. The gift of love.Love for others, love for human nature, love for magik, and love for the feeling of love, why why is it that I cannot feel, that which I am filled with, and give to others day after day. The one's whom I've loved, have taken it lightly, and granted only pain and sorrow. The ones who love me from afar, dear not tell me, even though I already know, and it seems, that so long as my life has been moving forward, I shall see no true intentions come to surface, as I seem to be imune to the gift of it's touch.Is this my future? Is this my destiny? Is this the price I pay for my "gifts"? I almost lost a very good friend recently, due to the same above. Our human affection grew to love on his behalf for me, and dared not, to ruin what good things I do have left, and that is good, loyal friendships. Friendships, in which I do express love, and feel loved, perhaps on a different level than most, but still enough to go on another day. To engage in amorous love, as that of lovers, would have ruined the purity of the love of our friendship, so as friends we remain, with the stone in my heart, for the love I know is held for me, should I ever change my mind, on the matter. But this is a love that cannot be, as the facts explain for themselves, of the consequences perceived. Am I wrong? Do set I my own distances? Or is this what has been destined? Should I just give up hope?Then there are those, that will not exit my life! The loves of the past, that will not let me be. The ones that took my love, then fed on it, and once they run dry, come back for more. I have stepped away from these, as they have proven toxic, because for however good they feel, they leave a bitter taste, everytime, and burn a scar of acid, that takes a while to heal. And this... I wish not to relive.Recently I called an old love, just to touch bases and compare notes (plus to ask for my video camera back!), and I was received with joyfull thoughts and words. This to my surprise, as I was told the last time we spoke, that they were busy. So the conversation continued, and my old love, made me laugh, then suddenly I remembered why we were once good friends. We shared thoughts of art, astrology, magik and the moon, and well, anything that came to mind, in which we could share some time talking. I reminded this old love, of conversations of the past, and I was posed the statement... "I told you when I first met you, that I had a feeling that you would be in my life and my thoughts for a long time, even when we stopped talking, you never left" This, made me feel chocked up, and brought a sudden dew to my eyes.I quickly recapacitated as I felt myself being drawn in, and then the question I had hoped would never come, arrived... "Are you free on sunday? Will you make some time for me, if I make some time for you.?" And with that, I found an excuse to hang up, and responded with "I'll have to call you back on that" What to make of this encounter, especially considering the acid on my skin just dried! I admit this feeling came at a perfectly wrong time, and it felt nice to be missed, and I missed the affection myself, but not the bitter departure. This will repeat itself, numerous, and countless times. And yet, it seems I fall as victim and prey to this toxic kind of love.On the other hand, I have found a sweet professor, that is sooooo intellectually stimulating, and yummy I might add, and he likes me so, but he too holds me in the deepest regard, that he cannot seem to bring himself to spring any intentions on me. I am the sacred flower of my poem to him, for heaven's sake, he even admits to having dreams about me, and sings of having Krystaline Withdrawls. He avidly writes to me, and even travels far and wide to see me once a week. His conversation exites me, and he even admits to his nervousness around me, he'll find himself staring entraced by me, then admits to it. It's like he is a child, in wonder around me, he's even said to me "It's like a vision of an angel" For pete's sake!Why me!?