Karma

To reflect back, I don't think I have ever "seen" life the way I do now. So much has happened to me in my life. Both good and bad. When one looks at their life, usually in discontent, we tend to focus on the bad, and yet, somehow are able to squeeze some of those "good" or "nice" memories that so make us smile...I have finally, just accepted that whatever happens, is by own doing and no one else's. It is foolish to believe that someone, or something "holds" the strings to your Karma, life, or path. There are no wrong turns, there are no wrong paths... All paths lead to the same road, of this big rat race called life.Honestly, spirits have it easy. They roam free, are beings of energy unbound by the technicalities or rules of the living realm, and experience so much more. As live spirits, trapped in this carnal body, we are bound to the experiences only of that, which our body or mind can process or feel. Limitations know only to carnal beings such as ourselves. I do not believe that our talents, gifts, or even energy is less valuable, in fact, it is far more valuable, reason being we are constantly being explored, mainly due to the curious fact that we have all of this strength and power, and yet it seems to go to waste. It seems we never tap it's full potential. It seems we're stupid to it, or cannot process it all... This is why we are envied as a race.We are like spoiled children that have it all, and yet want more. Never ending greed. The demise of our kind. And yet after all of this.... We still don't get it! We hold all of the cards. They jey to eternal happiness is inside us. Our whole lives we spend on the search for this key. Search the world over, and it is within us the whole time. New meaning to the saying that says sometimes the answer is so simple it's right in front of us.I used to believe that we were all star children, each given a path to follow, all pre scripted, and that life is just a breath in our existance that must play out, and end. Now, I "see" that generally we are all thrown into the pot that way, but it is only because most are weak of mind, and need a predetermined program to follow. It is survival of the fittest, and only the ones that "get-it" or wake-up, will move on to the next round. All the others keep getting thrown back into the pot until they get-it, and sadly some never will.I feel I am one of those that get-it, or woke-up. Under strenuous circumstances, mind you, but I did. I find myself falling back into the "program" every once in a while (old habits are hard to break), who knows how many times it took for me to get-it? But now that I am here, in this state, I cannot conceive going back. Although I am ready to move on to the next step, which only comes after carnal death, I do not seek it. It will come when it comes, therefore I have stopped fearing death. And with that, I have been able to use the wasted energy I used on fearing death, and pain, onto other more productive things, such as awareness, and empathy.I take hold of the reigns of this thing we call life. I redirect the moves, and live out the consequences. That's life!

Anger

Anger is the fundamental component of clouded judgement. It blinds those whom embrace it and deprives them of the joys of life.You defeat your opponent by keeping him close, and embracing all that it is.You confront it, and fight from the inside outNot with anger, not with rage, but with intelligence and clear thinking.You kill softly with smiles and charmwith wit, and accuracy.Never leading on to passionate beliefs or annoying words of oppinions or disapproval.This is the secret to successThis is the secret of a winning champion!Focus. Will.Strength.Endurance.And never speed. The war is won only one battle at time.

Playing, Collecting, and Enjoying it!

I have found many things in my life unacceptable. Many things of the present and past. This, to say the least, is the curse that it is to be me, considering I bow to no one, not even myself. I have been through tantrums, because I don't get my way, I have been good, I've been bad, and fair in between, and although it seems to help everyone else around me, it never helps me.I am filled with all these "gifts" that are magic, and part of my life. I am them, and they are me. It is in me, I cannot avoid, or run from it, or pretend it is not there. So, what to do?Accept, and push forward. If future does not shape to your liking, then you roll up your sleeves and bend it to suit you. I have figured out that I can only have LOVE or MONEY, one at a time, never BOTH. This is a hard realization, and as one person said to me in a post "Maybe you're afraid to be LOVED" The answer after much though... YES.Love is a sort of temporary isanity. Love clouds the judgement, it takes a piece of your heart and spirit, an that, I'm afraid, although I have experienced... I'd like to avoid at this point in my life. No to be taken lightly, it is a subject of much debate. It is not that I have the inability to love, or care, (I do LOVE money!) I am not cruel, or cold, but instead I choose to fosake love, in the realm of my life, for the time being, until I am convinced otherwise, that this will not affect my life in amjor way.I must maintain my focus, and keep my balance in between. What is love anyways? I seem to enjoy everything else just fine, in fact I am a workaholic, but I work hard, and play hard too!I just got over a hell of a "weekend" starting since Thursday, where I preyed, and coveted, and then came in for the kill. I "re-charged" and took, I have them kneel at my feet, as always I take what I want, when I want, with no appologies.I am convinced, that among the many facets that is me, I am a being, to which people cannot help but gravitate to. There is something abou tme that people want. Most people either love me, or hate me, there is no inbetween. However, being a good negotiator, I can even breakdown those bad barriers too. I seem to be told, I am a good teacher, and in fact been invited to give several seminars...Oh no! I feel subliminal programming coming on.In any event, I'm just venting, placing the thought in my mind on the screen. I have no cure, only band-aids to place on the chaos that it is to be me. This incarnation was chosen rather carefully, considering anyone else would have gone insane, in fact, I think my mother did already.Krystaline

Feeling Life Happen...

I cannot seem to avoid certain things in my life, although I have changed many, and re-invented a great deal, have found inner peace, and then some... There is always that curse! The curse, of years ago, the curse of generations before me, a plague that has followed me my whole adult life.We want what we can't have, and have what we don't want. I cannot put it any other way. And so I open my journal to a glimpse of my mind's eye, and can't help but think, Why me?!I am "gifted" in many ways, and excell in all that is put infront of me, so why is it that I cannot attain, the very thing that is supposed to come to me by nature? I cannot accomplish the verything that I help other's with, the very thing that keeps me human still, the very thing that grows inside me day by day. The gift of love.Love for others, love for human nature, love for magik, and love for the feeling of love, why why is it that I cannot feel, that which I am filled with, and give to others day after day. The one's whom I've loved, have taken it lightly, and granted only pain and sorrow. The ones who love me from afar, dear not tell me, even though I already know, and it seems, that so long as my life has been moving forward, I shall see no true intentions come to surface, as I seem to be imune to the gift of it's touch.Is this my future? Is this my destiny? Is this the price I pay for my "gifts"? I almost lost a very good friend recently, due to the same above. Our human affection grew to love on his behalf for me, and dared not, to ruin what good things I do have left, and that is good, loyal friendships. Friendships, in which I do express love, and feel loved, perhaps on a different level than most, but still enough to go on another day. To engage in amorous love, as that of lovers, would have ruined the purity of the love of our friendship, so as friends we remain, with the stone in my heart, for the love I know is held for me, should I ever change my mind, on the matter. But this is a love that cannot be, as the facts explain for themselves, of the consequences perceived. Am I wrong? Do set I my own distances? Or is this what has been destined? Should I just give up hope?Then there are those, that will not exit my life! The loves of the past, that will not let me be. The ones that took my love, then fed on it, and once they run dry, come back for more. I have stepped away from these, as they have proven toxic, because for however good they feel, they leave a bitter taste, everytime, and burn a scar of acid, that takes a while to heal. And this... I wish not to relive.Recently I called an old love, just to touch bases and compare notes (plus to ask for my video camera back!), and I was received with joyfull thoughts and words. This to my surprise, as I was told the last time we spoke, that they were busy. So the conversation continued, and my old love, made me laugh, then suddenly I remembered why we were once good friends. We shared thoughts of art, astrology, magik and the moon, and well, anything that came to mind, in which we could share some time talking. I reminded this old love, of conversations of the past, and I was posed the statement... "I told you when I first met you, that I had a feeling that you would be in my life and my thoughts for a long time, even when we stopped talking, you never left" This, made me feel chocked up, and brought a sudden dew to my eyes.I quickly recapacitated as I felt myself being drawn in, and then the question I had hoped would never come, arrived... "Are you free on sunday? Will you make some time for me, if I make some time for you.?" And with that, I found an excuse to hang up, and responded with "I'll have to call you back on that" What to make of this encounter, especially considering the acid on my skin just dried! I admit this feeling came at a perfectly wrong time, and it felt nice to be missed, and I missed the affection myself, but not the bitter departure. This will repeat itself, numerous, and countless times. And yet, it seems I fall as victim and prey to this toxic kind of love.On the other hand, I have found a sweet professor, that is sooooo intellectually stimulating, and yummy I might add, and he likes me so, but he too holds me in the deepest regard, that he cannot seem to bring himself to spring any intentions on me. I am the sacred flower of my poem to him, for heaven's sake, he even admits to having dreams about me, and sings of having Krystaline Withdrawls. He avidly writes to me, and even travels far and wide to see me once a week. His conversation exites me, and he even admits to his nervousness around me, he'll find himself staring entraced by me, then admits to it. It's like he is a child, in wonder around me, he's even said to me "It's like a vision of an angel" For pete's sake!Why me!?

Today as yesterday, as the day before

Today as yesterday, I ponder of tomorrowAnd in the midst see the visions of beforeAs time shall pass, so too will the yearningof another day gone past, and promise of light goneThe light I seek, the petals I touchThe passion within, the sorrow feltThe knowledge of how it will beThe intentions of the dew tricklethe honey never tasting sweeterThe creatures that once hovered, and quenched their thirst in delight,Come around no more, leaving the dew to dryIs it possible that the dew will feell moisture again?Is it poosible for the flower to bloom?Is it possible that the light will fill the petals, and bring about a transformation yet again?Or has the flower become so perfect, so soft, so lovely,that the creature fears it? Fear of trespassing, on theperfection within, therefore leaving the flower to remain untouched?Is more a sin, to leave the flower untouched for fear,then it is to embelish and drown in it's perfection?This is the story of my life,This is the shadow of my future.I accept the honor, I accept the pain, I swallow the sorrow that which in my future remains.It is my destiny, It is my curse, I stand alone,I flourinsh with pride, I stride in perfection,I await my summon, in the hall of nature.

Years of Rage

I am so proud of my dear friend Joseph. I was just given a copy of his book, "Years of Rage" and I have absorbed it in an instant, to be shocked, to say the least, of this magnificent literary work of art.I was given an advanced copy y him, and finally got to reading it this morning, I loved it so much, that I even wrote the first review for it on Amazon.com:Customer ReviewsMAGNIFICENT WORK OF ART!, February 26, 2005 (Five Stars)Reviewer: Krystaline Beauty "Krystaline" (Chicago, IL)Joseph Suglia proves indeed, to be quite a literary genius, the likes of which has not been seen since the great literature masters of the past. Years of Rage, is indeed a work of art, wraped in a blanket of prolific artform, this novel proves to be work, of what only could come from such a savant character as Joseph's. Highly recommended reading. I will demand this novel from all my pupils, as much could be learned from this rendition of the events that inspired this writing.As much controversy as this book was surrounded by, it proved to be a milestone, and lived up to my expectations completely. And I seldom offer that much praise.Good work! I recommend it to all.K

Feeling Hot, Feeling Flushed, Feeling Alive and Enthralled

ENTHRALLED: adj 1: held in slavery; "born of enslaved parents" 2: filled with wonder and delightContradictive as a word as this is, this perfectly describes me, and my state of being at this time. I feel as hot as furnace, as flushed as spa, and yet this feeling makes me feel alive, and well... enthralled.Despite the constant chaos in my life at this time, I have somehow found inner peace, and rest for my spirit. I have let go of perceptions of the past, false imagery of so-called reality, and have trancended to "see" the world through differnt eyes. Through Krystaline Eyes. This all makes me once again be filled with boundless energy. Energy that once again runs through me freely, except, now, I do not hold onto it, and keep it captive, as it is not mine to keep. It runs freely. It just flows, I feel like the universe runs through me. I understand the I am not in the world... THE WORLD IS IN ME.This sudden sense of awareness comes just in time, I suppose for a reason, as always. I see many good things to come. I have renounced control, and take in all that comes. An you know, it feels extreamly good.K